i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
50% drunk capacity currently
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
