You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
