best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
