my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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