another moral hangover. fuck.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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