spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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