The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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