I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
