Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
