If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
