i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
