Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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