I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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