Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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