So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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