Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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