My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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