yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
