I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
