He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
