What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
