The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
God, you're like boner-b-gone
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
