She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
