I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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