ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
