Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
