Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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