My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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