So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
