I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
