There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
