I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
