Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
