Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
