I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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