I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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