omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
