i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
