It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
