Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sarcasm needs its own font
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
