Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
