i just wanna soil my oats bro
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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