you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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