My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
