We won't sleep together?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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