My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
