I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
