there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
