then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Someone came in the potted fern
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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