Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
