She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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