i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
