Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
